Older Posts

Can farts predict your future?

The Future

Kathmandu: and the Ministry of Unusual Studies in the Tibetan enclave of Boudhanath has several clinics. One of which is looking into whether the breaking of wind can predict your future.

The following is translated from a Tibetan publication – the results of their studies – a kind of lexicon of farts. The study, conducted in an opened windowed clinic, gives a description of each expellation, followed by its significance.

A deep, baritone, often released whilst lying down, signifies contentment. Now is a good time to consider investments or start a new venture. Bullish.

The SBD, Silent But Deadly. A secretive fart with pungent aroma often followed by a slight pip. Signifying great sorrow, a time of contemplation. A time to reconsider your options.

Long mid to high pitcher, sometimes intermittent, some specialists refer to it as the ‘staccato’. A moment of indecision, and often a playful fart. A good time to embark in new relationships.

Prolonged mid toned, fair aroma, resplendent. Often released when at ease, suggests you’re in a good place right now. Blissful. Now is the time to forge new pursuits.

The Geyser. Sometimes referred to as the raspberry and mimicked in the 70’s. Often released through a vegetarian diet. Symbolising a dilemma or turning point.

The high pitcher or Mosquito. This is a time of great timultitude often associated with unwanted change.
Extended mid toned, petering out, sometimes whimsical. A happy go lucky fart presenting a degree of optimism. Joyful.

The study suggested further evidence by adding that babies less than one year old, with more future ahead of them than anyone else, broke wind 10 times more than average per day.

They also concluded that trying to read your future astronomically, through the movement of the planets a billion miles away, was ridiculous.

Category: